Andy Taylor vs. Andy Griffith

When I was growing up, one of my favorite shows was the Andy Griffith Show. My own father was with us until I was in my forties, but he was not without his problems. Andy Taylor, on the other hand, was one of TV’s ideal dads; the one that I felt was the best of them all. I didn’t realize, until much later, that he had been a role model for me, growing up.

Now that Andy Griffith is older, he bears an eerie resemblance to my father before he died. His face is puffy; his voice is weaker, with a froggy quality; his upper lip has sagged with age over his dentures; and he is not as sharp, mentally, as I once thought he was.

I have been particularly disappointed - irked, even - to see the actor who played my old idol used as a pawn in President Obama’s propaganda campaign supporting Obamacare. I began to wonder what Andy Taylor would really have thought about Obamacare:

Opie Taylor enters the sheriff’s office. Andy is at his desk.

Opie: Pa?

Andy: Yes, Ope?

Opie: What’s “universal healthcare?”

Andy: That’s a right complicated topic of conversation, for a young’n like you to be askin’ about, son.

Opie: Well, me and the boys were down at the drugstore, havin’ a soda, and Arnold pops off with a comment about universal healthcare, and I didn’t really know what he was talking about. So, I just kept my mouth shut and drank my soda, until the topic came around to frogs and baseball and such. But, somehow, it didn’t seem right, what he was sayin’.

Andy: What was he saying, then, son?

Opie: He said everybody had a right to free healthcare, just like breathin’ the air. That ain’t the same thing at all, is it Pa?

Andy: No, sir, it sure isn’t! You are right about that, Ope. You see, nobody has to do a thing for you to have free air to breathe. The air is part of the world, and nobody owns it. But healthcare, now that’s a different story, all-to-gether. You need other people to spend a lot of time and money, learning about medicine, to provide healthcare. You remember when you got sick, and Doc Benson had to take your tonsils out?

Opie: I sure do! I ain’t never felt the same about ice cream, since.

Andy: Well, Doc Benson, he does that for a living. In order to buy a house, and food, and 'lectricity, he’s got to make money, just like I have to make money at my job. Somebody has to pay Doc Benson for his services, or he can’t afford to live. So, who do you think paid him for havin’ your tonsils jerked out?

Opie: You?

Andy: That’s right. You think Doc Benson ought to have to do that for you for free? Or, you should be able to tell Doc Benson how much he can charge you?

Opie: No, sir, I don’t.

Andy: Well, heck no, you shouldn't! Now, do you think you ought to be able to go over to Floyd’s Barbershop and tell him he needs to chip in on your tonsil operation? And then go over to Goober’s filling station, and take money from him for your operation? Or down to the drug store?

Opie: No, Pa. Why would they pay for my tonsil operation?

Andy: Well, that’s the thing, son. They might just do that, out of the kindness of their hearts, if we found ourselves in a tight spot. I bet those folks would all chip in, just to be nice. But this here universal healthcare thing is a different story, completely. Now, they’re saying that Floyd and Goober and Mr. Walker have to pay for your tonsil operation. And I have to pay for Goober’s ingrown toenails to be dug out. And if I don’t pay, the government is gonna send agents out here to collect from me. And if I still refuse to pay, they’ll throw me in prison. Does that sound right to you?

Opie: That sounds crazy, Pa!

Andy: It sure does, boy. It sure does. You can’t always believe everything Arnold tells you. You best be gettin’ on home to help Aunt Bee out. Don’t forget to finish your homework before supper, too.

Opie: Alright Pa. See ya.

Opie leaves the sheriff’s office.

Deputy Barney Fife comes out from the file room.

Barney: I couldn’t help hearing what you were telling the boy, Andy.

Andy: Is that right?

Barney: Yeah. Yup. Uh-huh. Yessirree.

Andy: Barney, is there somethin’ on your mind?

Barney: Well, Andy, since you asked.... I think you gave the boy a bum steer, there.

Andy: You do, huh?

Barney: Yep. Yes, I do. You know the president is just trying to make sure everybody has access to healthcare, and keep the cost down for all of us. How can that be a bad thing?

Andy: You remember that highway project up by Mt. Pilot a few summers ago?

Barney: Of course I do! I had to run out there with the lights and siren when that state flag man keeled over from heat stroke. What’s that got to do with healthcare, Andy?

Andy: You know how much that project was supposed to cost?

Barney: No. But what’s...

Andy: A million dollars. You know how much it wound up costing, when they were finally done?

Barney: I see where you’re going, Andy, but...

Andy: THREE MILLION dollars, Barn. Now, you think the government is gonna get involved with healthcare, and make it CHEAPER? If you do, you’re crazier than a rabid possum.

Barney: Well... Darn it, Ange, somethin’ has to be done.

Andy: And you want some government bureaucrat telling you how much insurance you have to buy, and whether you get to have your allergy medications this month? You’ll be snortin’ and honkin’ and cryin’ around here...

Barney: Well... No. But we gotta do somethin’!

Andy: That may be true, Barney, but the federal government shouldn’t be the one doin’ it. I believe that with all my heart. You think all them boys up there in Washington, D.C. are gonna stop meddling in people’s business, if we let ‘em get away with this? This is just the beginning, and we got to nip it in the bud, Barn.

Barney: How do you propose we do that, Andy?

Andy: Well, for starters, I’m gonna vote for ever’body who says they’ll vote to repeal this awful mess. That’s what I’m gonna do. Far as I’m concerned, this is the last chance to save this country before it goes right over the dam.

Andy opens the front door of his house and enters, where he finds Aunt Bee, waiting for him .

Aunt Bee: Andy! Oh! I am so glad you’re home! I was just talking to Clara, and you won’t believe what she said! Did you know that they are going to take a whole bunch of money out of Medicare to help pay for this new healthcare program?

Andy: Well, yes, Aunt Bee, I had heard something about that.

Aunt Bee: Well, Andy, what am I going to do? You know I'm on a fixed income. I can’t afford to lose my medical coverage!

Andy: I know, I know, but we’ll be alright. We won’t let you go without healthcare, Aunt Bee. You do know that Medicare is a government program, too, don't you?

Aunt Bee: Yes, Andy, but I can see the handwriting on the wall! They couldn’t keep Medicare costs under control, even though they cut the doctor’s fees terribly. Now they’re talking about “death panels,” and how older people will be less of a priority! I’m afraid to mop the kitchen floor, for fear that I’ll fall and hurt myself, now. They’ll probably take me out behind the hospital and shoot me!

Andy: Now, now, Aunt Bee, don’t get yourself all worked up over this. We won’t let anything happen to you. You can count on that.

Aunt Bee: Oh, Andy. I just can’t believe what is happening to this country. I just can’t believe it.

Andy: I know what you mean, Aunt Bee. I surely do.

Andy enters Floyd’s Barbershop, where Howard Sprague is sitting in Floyd's chair, and Goober is waiting his turn for a haircut.

Floyd: W-w-w-well, Andy-y-y-y. I’m glad you came in! You can put in your two cents’ worth.

Andy: What you boys jawin’ about in here, that you need my opinion on, Floyd?

Floyd: Well, it’s the talk all over town, you know. Ye-e-e-e-es. Oh, yeah. This new healthcare law, don't you know.

Goober: That's right, Andy. It’s got everybody worked into a lather. Get it? Lather? Barber? Shave? Get it?

Floyd: Oh. OH! You got me that time, Goober. You should be on one of them TV shows, like Merv Griffin or somethin’.

Andy: Yeah, that’s a good one, Goober. Very funny.

Howard Sprague: Andy, I have mixed feelings on this topic. How do you feel about the whole issue?

Andy: Well, Howard, I can’t say’s my feelings are all that mixed. I don’t think it’s right. It ain’t right at all.

Howard: But Andy, surely you don’t think the healthcare system was perfect as it was?

Andy: Howard, do you remember when Gomer had that ol’ pickup truck he bought from the Widow Johnson?

Howard: Well, yes, vaguely, Andy.

Andy: Well, that ol’ truck ran as dependable when Gomer got it as it did when Mr. Johnson first bought it all those years ago. He coulda changed the oil, replaced all the filters, tuned it up, maybe re-ground the valves, and it woulda purred like a kitten for years. But Gomer, see, he decided that the truck didn’t go fast enough to suit him. So, he set to tinkerin’ with it, puttin’ all this fancy hot rod stuff under the hood, and before long, that ol’ engine just blew up. Smoke was comin’ out of the tailpipe, and out from under the hood. Gomer took that decent ol’ truck, which was workin’ fine, and wrecked it by tryin’ to make a hot rod out of it. You see what I’m sayin’ Howard?

Howard: It sounds like you’re drawing a comparison to our healthcare system, Andy. It sounds like you are comparing the President of the United States to Gomer Pyle!

Andy: Well, sorta. But it ain’t really a fair comparison. I know Gomer loved that ol’ truck. And he’s servin’ his country in the armed forces as we speak, because he loves this here country, more than anything. I can’t say the same about the president.

Howard: Now, Andy!

Andy: No, Howard, I mean it. Can you imagine if I said to Helen, “Helen, dear, you know I love you more than anything, right? Well, Helen, I sure ‘hope’ you ‘change.’ As a matter of fact, I think you need to be fundamentally transformed.” How do you think Helen would feel about that, Howard? You think she would really feel like I loved her?

Howard: Well, no, Andy, but...

Andy: That’s right, Howard! I think I’d better duck if I said that to Helen. She’d feel like I didn’t love her at all. At best, I would have what they call a “conditional love” for her. Meanin’, I would only love her if she changed into my perfect image of a utopian woman. Now, I don’t know about you, but I don’t want my president having a “conditional love” for my country. I want my president to love this country more than anyone else in the world. And I don’t want the first time he and his wife are proud of this country to be the day he was elected, do you?

Howard: Well, no, Andy...

Andy: Darn right you don’t, Howard. Nobody in their right mind does.

Floyd: W-w-w-w-why, that was inspirational, Andy!

Goober: Wow! Good one, Andy! Maybe you should run for president!

Andy: Well, that’s a mighty fine thing to say, Goober, but I’m no Abraham Lincoln. Floyd, I’ll come back for a haircut later, when you ain’t so busy.

Floyd: Oh, I’ll be waiting, Andy.

Howard: See you around, Andy. I’ll be thinking about what you said.

Andy: You do that, Howard.

O.J.T. *

Think back to when you have begun new jobs. How much time elapsed before you felt pressure to be "up to speed?" At relatively simple jobs, like my short-lived career at a pizza parlor during college, it might have been only a day or so. In more complicated jobs, it might have been weeks.

So, think back to the more complicated jobs. How long could you get away with blaming your poor performance on the mess that your predecessor had left? Everyone gets a little bit of slack to start off with, so the first time you said, "Yeah, I would have had that nuclear reactor all engineered right up, if it hadn’t been for Mahmoud spilling his goats’ milk all over the plans and ruining them," your colleagues might have rolled their eyes at you behind your back and kept silent. The second time you blamed something on Mahmoud, you probably got a snide comment from the boldest, least polite person at the water cooler, Duncan, who had the social skills of a lizard, but somehow, miraculously, had entrenched himself so insidiously into the fabric of the company that he seemed invulnerable to normal office politics.

That was it. Game over. It was put-up-or-shut-up time, suckuh. You knew you didn’t have the political skills, or the mean streak, necessary to defeat the wondrously mediocre, mysteriously connected Duncan. So, you went home, told your significant other what a jerk that "Funkin’ Duncan" was, and then laid out your plan for survival, so that you would never again have to resort to blaming your own ineptitude on your predecessor. Because you knew that if you did, the tide would turn with the entire staff, which had been cutting you some slack up to that point because you were the newbie. They would all think back to Duncan’s comments, and even though they would secretly like to pee in Duncan’s coffee cup while he was in the boss’s office, kissing ass, they would be persuaded that, in this one instance, Duncan was right - the newbie was hopeless. After that, your requests for assistance would be met with distracted stares and improbable excuses. Sorry, the boss has me on a deadline to draft the roster for the fantasy football pool. As someone with at least a modicum of pride, you just couldn’t go there.

So you sucked it up, played the game on the field that had been laid out by the once-great patriarch of the company, Dr. Ruud-Gut, and achieved your equilibrium at the passable level of competency that would mark your entire career at the company. You KNEW that if you had ever again said, "Well, if Mahmoud hadn’t..." you would have been blasted with a chorus of groans to rival the reaction to the announcement of Miley Cyrus as a nominee for the Academy Award for Best Song. So, you never again uttered Mahmoud’s name. You took responsibility for your own output, from there on out.

UNFORTUNATELY, Barack Obama has apparently never worked in the private sector. I can assume that, in the world of "community organizers," blaming any and all of your own shortcomings on your predecessor is considered de rigueur. Because expectations for community organizers are so low; and because, despite that, everyone you work with is busily hiding their own inability to meet expectations; no one notices that you have no clue as to how to do your job.

Most people with any self-esteem treat this sort of situation as an unfortunate, temporary chapter in their careers - a learning experience, in which the crucial lesson is "aim higher." Okay, maybe not as high as President of the United States, but higher. Maybe get a little real, private sector work experience before you decide to run for President. Or the Senate. Or county dogcatcher.

So, finally, to my point: How long should the Chief Executive of the United States of America blame all of the problems he encounters on his predecessor? Do those of you old enough to remember the awesome presidency of Jimmy Carter remember Ronald Reagan ever blaming anything on him? NO! And, trust me, there was PLE-E-E-E-ENTY to blame on the celebrated peanut farmer from Georgia. If nothing else, we can blame the now viral mispronunciation, "nucular" on him, which should be enough to earn him at least the title of the biggest a$$hole in history. But did Ronald Reagan ever mention Carter’s commodious shortcomings (yes, I chose that adjective for its obvious similarity to the word, "commode")? Never. When Ronald Reagan was at the helm of the good ship, American Dream, there were no excuses! We didn’t need no stinking excuses!

Honestly, for a guy who supposedly held the collective consciousness of the entire country in his hands until about a year ago, President Obama’s is the most tone-deaf performance I have ever heard. This is not a country of excuses. Grow a pair, Barack. (Or borrow Michelle’s). Admit that the country is nothing like the Chicago neighborhood where you cut your political teeth. Admit that you don't have a clue, and then approach the job in the way you promised you would - by enlisting the assistance of people from both sides of the aisle.

* O.J.T. - Obama Job Training

Plant a tree for future generations

Today, I planted a tree. It’s a tree that I started from the pit of a particularly tasty avocado. While a grafted tree might bear fruit in only a few years, a tree started from a pit will probably take ten years to reach maturity and bear fruit.

To plant the tree here on the island of Hawaii, I had to invest considerable time and effort. Had I planted it just anywhere on our lot, I would have only needed to excavate a hole. Because the Hawaiian Islands are volcanoes, and because Hawaii is the youngest of them, many places on the island have very little soil on the surface, and a lot of lava rock. To dig a hole and plant something here is a commitment. In this case, it was even more of a commitment, because the place I wanted to plant my avocado tree had a large stump rooted through the rock. It took me two full afternoons to extricate the stump - which was about 18" in diameter at the cut, and weighed over 200 pounds - before I could begin digging the hole for the avocado.

I suppose some might think it odd that I would invest that much time and effort into planting and nurturing a tree that will not benefit me for ten years. I am betting, however, that none of those people would be farmers. Especially farmers whose livelihood depends upon crops from trees; peach farmers, orange farmers, almond farmers, etc. Those people understand the value of investing time and effort now, for a future payoff.

My daughter is now in her second year of college. She has committed herself to four years of hard work, to earn her bachelors degree. Though that’s not quite the commitment that I have made in planting my avocado tree (yes, I am joking), it is still effort expended for future benefits. At 19, she understands that.
Why, then, do our elected representatives refuse to understand? Ideally, we would elect the best and the brightest to represent us. Unfortunately, we elect the best self-promoters and the brightest hucksters. So, when gasoline prices rose to over $4 per gallon across the U.S., and citizens, tired of being dependent upon hostile foreign countries for fuel, were pushed to the edge, they screamed, "Drill here! Drill now!"

I was not surprised to hear prominent elected officials utter, as an excuse, "It will take ten years to realize any results from domestic oil exploration." Yeah?!? So? If we don’t do anything, the ten years won’t start ticking. Let’s start the process! In ten years, we will be so proud of our foresight!

What those low-life, lying, condescending, pandering scumbags (I mean, Congressional representatives) were really saying was, "We don’t want to discover more oil under American soil, because that would not fit in with our political agenda. So we are going to appeal to the basest instincts of the lowest common denominator of our constituents - the instant gratification generation - to obscure the truth and promote our agenda."

Now that gasoline prices are back down, we, the sheeple, have relaxed about energy independence. We are being led around by our noses, by a bunch of scheming, plotting idiots. Well, let’s wake back up before things get really out of hand!

The "green" jobs that President Obama promoted are already going overseas! And we have already saddled the next several generations with phenomenal, unconscionable debt. Let’s exhibit a little bit of the foresight and sacrifice for the future that previous generations so generously employed for our benefit. Sure, put up some windmills and solar panels, but drill! Drill here, and drill now!

Why Obama Doesn’t Care About Debt - Inflation by Design?

Okay, class, how much is half of zero?

Zero. Correct.

Stick with me, here. What’s half of, say, $100,000?

$50,000. Correct.

Why is this important math, you ask? Because of what has been laughingly called "economic stimulus." If a market is flooded with dollars printed out of thin air, with no real assets to back them, we will have the same amount of goods and services as we always had, but more dollars competing for those goods and services. The natural result will be that it will take more dollars to buy the goods and services than it did before all of the dollars were printed. If a loaf of bread used to cost $3, and now it costs $6, that means your dollar is worth half of what it used to be worth. This is inflation. Under the current circumstances, I assert that it is inflation by design.

Back to our math lesson: The people Barack Obama purportedly cares most about have the least. Most have nothing. If he floods the United States with enough Monopoly money to pay for social services for the poor, they will suffer no ill consequences from inflation; in fact, they will only benefit from the free services (if you consider becoming hopelessly dependent on a welfare state a benefit).

But those of us who have struggled to accumulate anything at all, while still paying the taxes that have always disproportionately benefitted those who do not struggle to accumulate anything, will see those accumulations dwindle away. So, without officially taxing anyone, he has very effectively redistributed the wealth from those who have, to those who have not. While he would not openly admit it during the campaign, this was part of his radical plan. Joe the Plumber paid the price for revealing it to those of us who were paying attention. We will all eventually pay the price, now.

Don’t blame me, I voted for McCain/Palin.

Tax Tea Party Protest - Hilo, HI

On April 15th, 2009, a group of "right-wing extremists" assembled to protest taxes in, among many other places in the United States, Hilo, Hawaii. The turnout of heartless, racist "teabagging rednecks," (as the brilliant sociologist, Janeane Garofalo referred to us), numbered around 100, according to the Hawaii Tribune Herald. This was a far bigger turnout than one might have expected, in this liberal outpost.

Contrary to what the mainstream media would have people believe, this was definitely not an assembly of the wealthy, nor was it organized or promoted by deep-pocketed Republican political action committees. This was a true, grassroots effort, organized by one middle-class, working man, who was wearing worn blue jeans at the protest. It was attended not by a blood-thirsty, racist rabble, but by a group of polite, thoughtful, hard-working people.

Liberals nationwide seem to dismiss these protests, and demean the protesters as ignorant ideologues. One of the many liberal advocates posing as journalists, Susan Roesgen, who works for (surprise!) CNN, berated one protester on the air with the assertion that he would be getting a several hundred dollar tax credit, and his home state would be getting 50 billion dollars in "stimulus" funds, implying that to protest taxes was therefore illogical.

What such liberals fail to credit the rest of us with is the intelligence to realize that there is no free lunch. SOMEONE has to pay for all of this spending. So, as much as a tax protest, this was a spending protest. Even if our taxes do not go up this year, some of us have the foresight to know that we will all pay, eventually, and our descendants will keep paying after we are gone. In the process, we will have lost everything that has made this country the greatest on Earth.

In the short term, our hard-earned savings will be devalued through inflation. With trillions more dollars printed to compete for the same goods and services that existed before, it will naturally take more dollars to buy those same goods and services.

In the long run, the free enterprise system; the engine that has driven this country to be the strongest in the world - the land of opportunity that people throughout the world still envy - will have been replaced with a "nanny state" that incentivizes mediocrity.

We won the Cold War (Ronald Reagan, R.I.P.), and we have served as the example for failed Communist states to revitalize their societies through increasing Capitalism. How sadly ironic, that the Russians and Chinese now think we are heading in the wrong direction - toward Socialism!

President Eloquent and First Lady Elegant?

As the President and his entourage attended the G20 London Summit, the media love affair with the Obamas, and the double-standard applied to presidents based upon their political parties, evidently extended across the Atlantic Ocean.

When "W" misspoke during a reception for Queen Elizabeth, and accidentally implied that the queen had been around since 1776, he corrected himself and winked at her. The British press eviscerated him. One apparently does not wink at the queen.

On another occasion, when some Australian official put his arm around the queen, he was treated similarly. However, just this week, when Michelle Obama put her arm around the queen, it was not an issue. For crying out loud, even I knew you aren’t supposed to touch the queen or treat her familiarly! But the queen was unfazed, as were the British press.

Let's not even get into the propriety of giving the queen an Ipod loaded with, among other things, audio of his own notable speeches. "Here, Queenie, listen up. Didja know I'm a celebrity?"

During President Obama's press conference at the G20 summit (the non-teleprompter portion, during which he answered questions from the members of the press), he made the following statements (emphasis added):

"So, overall, I'm pleased with the product. And I'll leave it to others to determine whether me and my team had anything to do with that. All right?"

"And that's good. But we want to make sure that there's mechanisms in place that holds people accountable and produces results. Okay?"

"I think the patient is stabilized; there's still wounds that have to heal and there's still emergencies that could arise, but I think that you've got some pretty good care being applied."

Nary a word from the press, about how bad his grammatical errors made him sound, yet Bush was reduced to the image of a blubbering moron by the media. Granted, President Bush made a lot of gaffes, but so far, President Obama is matching his pace.

While this manifestation of the mainstream media's double standard is annoying - maddening, even - what is really scary is that this refusal to criticize their anointed leader extends beyond the superficial to really important, substantive matters. It's like boarding a bus and averting your eyes while the driver slams tequila shots and starts careening into parked cars and fire hydrants. Something's gonna die, and I am afraid it is the United States of America, as we know it.

Taxation Without Representation

Time is often referred to by scientists as The Fourth Dimension. In finance, time is an important element -- the basis for much of the value of investment. A buffer of time between the commitment of an illegal act and its detrimental effects is no protection against prosecution in our legal system. Say, for example, I were to set a bomb now that is timed to go off in seven years. When the bomb later went off, would I be any less liable, legally or morally, for the damage that bomb did? I am no lawyer (thank goodness) but I doubt the statute of limitations would apply.

So why, then, should politicians be exempt from the consequences of their actions, or from the rules that govern their actions, by virtue of time? Generations in the future, because of the astronomical spending bill that Washington thieves have just passed, are effectively being taxed beyond all reason, or previous precedent. "No taxation without representation" was the battle cry that inspired an emerging, great nation to fight for independence.

Yet the children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren of that once-great nation are being taxed in the future, for our comfort and convenience, now. If only all of those who will pay those taxes were here to protest the lack of representation, there might be another revolution, of a slightly different kind.